I don't think I've ever realized how afraid I am to LIVE. Some people are afraid to do things by themselves and others are afraid of being around too many people at once, but I am afraid to live my life. I think it's because I'm afraid of disappointing myself. I get myself lost in so many books and movies and whatever else to put off actually living my own life which I think is quite fascinating and incredible thus far.
Life is a great big waiting game anyways. Everyone's rushing off to the end, death. I know that's a little dark and whatnot, but honestly, people are always speeding off after a red light in their car only to have to stop at the next red light and etc. Or haven't you ever rushed for a appointment and you were really anxious and frustrated because you were late, and you get there and you have to wait. We're always rushing just to wait. So interesting. I think I'll try to slow down and watch a bit more.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I haven't written in a while, as is the trend. I've been reading this book "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky which is brilliant by the way although I'm kind of disappointed with the boy actually having something wrong with him. I guess maybe it just scared me how much I could relate to him and it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me which probably wouldn't surprise me all that much.
Anyways, a lots changed in the last however many months. Ryan and I got an apartment in Oakland, although he's been in L.A. for the last week and I'm not home very often because of my job. That's another thing, I got a permanent job so I don't have to travel or worry too much about money, although I feel like I'm working my life away.
I guess I got inspired by the book I was reading to write more often. I don't know what's been wrong with me lately, but I've been feeling kind of numb. Like I'm living life, but I'm not really here. It's really weird. It kind of reminds me of how I was feeling right after my abortion a few years back, where I just wanted to get away because life had not turned out as it should have. That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm really kind of disappointed with how much of a failure I feel like I am. I just can't seem to be happy.
I went to see Amma today, the hugging saint, although I didn't wait around to get a hug for her because that would've taken hours of waiting and it was already 9pm. I did get to hear her talk, which was translated by a translator with a thick Indian accent who I couldn't really understand, and we did pooja and meditated which was nice. There was this guy who kept trying to talk to me sitting by me the whole time which was kind of annoying, but I suppose it happens. I've been feeling really sad lately. I thought seeing her would make me feel better and I was so torn about whether I wanted to see her or not and it didn't really help too much. I guess maybe I was just looking for something to understand without me having to explain anything. I'm not very good at explaining things.
I've been crying in my car a lot whenever I'm driving. It's weird. It just comes on when I think of my past. I keep wondering about all these times I've slept with guys and didn't want to and whether it would've been considered rape or not. It's really sad. I must've just stuffed it down really far and it's all coming out now.
I feel like I forgot what it feels like to be happy. I know I used to be. What happened? Why don't I feel happy anymore? Life really didn't turn out the way I thought it would by age 24. But I don't understand what more I could expect. I've got the love of my life, a good job, and a place I can call home. What am I missing?
Anyways, a lots changed in the last however many months. Ryan and I got an apartment in Oakland, although he's been in L.A. for the last week and I'm not home very often because of my job. That's another thing, I got a permanent job so I don't have to travel or worry too much about money, although I feel like I'm working my life away.
I guess I got inspired by the book I was reading to write more often. I don't know what's been wrong with me lately, but I've been feeling kind of numb. Like I'm living life, but I'm not really here. It's really weird. It kind of reminds me of how I was feeling right after my abortion a few years back, where I just wanted to get away because life had not turned out as it should have. That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm really kind of disappointed with how much of a failure I feel like I am. I just can't seem to be happy.
I went to see Amma today, the hugging saint, although I didn't wait around to get a hug for her because that would've taken hours of waiting and it was already 9pm. I did get to hear her talk, which was translated by a translator with a thick Indian accent who I couldn't really understand, and we did pooja and meditated which was nice. There was this guy who kept trying to talk to me sitting by me the whole time which was kind of annoying, but I suppose it happens. I've been feeling really sad lately. I thought seeing her would make me feel better and I was so torn about whether I wanted to see her or not and it didn't really help too much. I guess maybe I was just looking for something to understand without me having to explain anything. I'm not very good at explaining things.
I've been crying in my car a lot whenever I'm driving. It's weird. It just comes on when I think of my past. I keep wondering about all these times I've slept with guys and didn't want to and whether it would've been considered rape or not. It's really sad. I must've just stuffed it down really far and it's all coming out now.
I feel like I forgot what it feels like to be happy. I know I used to be. What happened? Why don't I feel happy anymore? Life really didn't turn out the way I thought it would by age 24. But I don't understand what more I could expect. I've got the love of my life, a good job, and a place I can call home. What am I missing?
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