I've been meaning to update. I always seem to find other things to do, but I promise to make this more of a priority.

Last weekend, Ryan and I went to Half Moon beach. We attempted to go geocaching, too, which didn't work so well, but it was fun!

Pictures to come!

This past weekend was Labor day and we taught a YES course together in Folsom which is by Sacramento. I am soooo rusty with my points. I've got to start living the points as well as reviewing them more often. Awesome course though. Really great kids.

Life

I got a new netbook and now I have no excuse for not updating. I think it'll be nice to write what I'm feeling and stuff.

Right now, I'm really frustrated. Life is just about work at this point and I hate it. I'm working sooo much, but someone has to pay rent and bills. I would soo much rather be taking random classes at the community college down the street. It would be so nice. Sadly, that is not my life right now.

I am starting massage school next month which is really exciting and a really last minute decision on my part. I'm starting to realize how fleeting time and life really is and I have soo much I want to do. I've got to get it done. I don't want to live my life to meet someone else's requirements. I want to live it for me.

Started the 'Artist's Way' today. It's about recovering your creativity and all this cool stuff. It's a 12 week course.I hope I can stick to it with my overbearing work schedule and massage school when it starts. They say you should commit at least an hour a day which sounds like a ton right now. Who knows though, I might really like this.

I've been obsessed with this one girl's photos on flickr. Her name's rosiehardy. She's amazing. She's really inspiring me to pick up a camera again or at least brainstorm some ideas on what I want to shoot.

Someone help me... I've forgotten who I am or I never knew who I was.

LIFE

I don't think I've ever realized how afraid I am to LIVE. Some people are afraid to do things by themselves and others are afraid of being around too many people at once, but I am afraid to live my life. I think it's because I'm afraid of disappointing myself. I get myself lost in so many books and movies and whatever else to put off actually living my own life which I think is quite fascinating and incredible thus far.

Life is a great big waiting game anyways. Everyone's rushing off to the end, death. I know that's a little dark and whatnot, but honestly, people are always speeding off after a red light in their car only to have to stop at the next red light and etc. Or haven't you ever rushed for a appointment and you were really anxious and frustrated because you were late, and you get there and you have to wait. We're always rushing just to wait. So interesting. I think I'll try to slow down and watch a bit more.

I haven't written in a while, as is the trend. I've been reading this book "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky which is brilliant by the way although I'm kind of disappointed with the boy actually having something wrong with him. I guess maybe it just scared me how much I could relate to him and it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me which probably wouldn't surprise me all that much.

Anyways, a lots changed in the last however many months. Ryan and I got an apartment in Oakland, although he's been in L.A. for the last week and I'm not home very often because of my job. That's another thing, I got a permanent job so I don't have to travel or worry too much about money, although I feel like I'm working my life away.

I guess I got inspired by the book I was reading to write more often. I don't know what's been wrong with me lately, but I've been feeling kind of numb. Like I'm living life, but I'm not really here. It's really weird. It kind of reminds me of how I was feeling right after my abortion a few years back, where I just wanted to get away because life had not turned out as it should have. That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm really kind of disappointed with how much of a failure I feel like I am. I just can't seem to be happy.

I went to see Amma today, the hugging saint, although I didn't wait around to get a hug for her because that would've taken hours of waiting and it was already 9pm. I did get to hear her talk, which was translated by a translator with a thick Indian accent who I couldn't really understand, and we did pooja and meditated which was nice. There was this guy who kept trying to talk to me sitting by me the whole time which was kind of annoying, but I suppose it happens. I've been feeling really sad lately. I thought seeing her would make me feel better and I was so torn about whether I wanted to see her or not and it didn't really help too much. I guess maybe I was just looking for something to understand without me having to explain anything. I'm not very good at explaining things.

I've been crying in my car a lot whenever I'm driving. It's weird. It just comes on when I think of my past. I keep wondering about all these times I've slept with guys and didn't want to and whether it would've been considered rape or not. It's really sad. I must've just stuffed it down really far and it's all coming out now.

I feel like I forgot what it feels like to be happy. I know I used to be. What happened? Why don't I feel happy anymore? Life really didn't turn out the way I thought it would by age 24. But I don't understand what more I could expect. I've got the love of my life, a good job, and a place I can call home. What am I missing?

A Beautiful Mess

I remember in my sculpture class in college, our last assignment was to create something inspired by a song. This assignment has really made me look at where I get my inspiration and since then, I still use music to inspire me.

There was something so romantic and nostalgic almost about Jason Mraz's "A Beautiful Mess". I was listening to his new cd on repeat as I was knitting and every time the last song came on, I felt like I was being swept away to some time when I felt like things were going to be okay no matter what. That things work out in the end.

Last year, I just went through a bad breakup with a boyfriend who's life was entangled with mine so intricately, it was hard to break up with him until I was away from the city we were both from, the friend we both hung out with and the memories we shared. I had known for some time that it wasn't going to work, but had delayed the breaking up part because I knew how painful it would be for both of us if we were both in the same city.

In the end, I know I made the right decision, although I could have executed it better. I have no regrets, but I do feel like understand when Mraz sings "it's like picking up trash in dresses."

Haven't been here for a while

I thought maybe I would write about what I'm knitting on this blog, too. There's just way too much I'm interested in and want to write about, but my blog hasn't been my priority. I hope to change that.

Anyways, I've been putting stuff up on Etsy to see if it'll sell. (deknit.etsy.com)

Hopefully - crossing my fingers- because I'm really low on $$$.

Here's some of my latest stuff.


I love the back of this dress. YUM!